Crazy

Sometimes when things happen in your life, you realize how everyone is connected. I got some bad news from a friend today, and I started thinking about that friend, and how I am connected to so many other people because of that one person and their friendship. Another thing that came to mind while thinking about her, was how you can treat someone badly and they never even know it.

I totally screwed up a long time ago, with a bunch of different things. If you have read this blog lately you will see that I have made a transformation. Change is happening fast for me. Now that I feel I am looking at life a little more level-headed, I keep remembering, or seeing things that I have done wrong in the past and I am now being given the opportunity to make those situations right. Why do these things always have to come to me at like midnight, when I should have already been in bed an hour ago. Why can't I get something like this at 5:00 in the afternoon. Anyway, I'm trying to make right with some things, and I've started trying to get right with the people who are closest to me. That slowly branches out to others, because as I have said, its all connected. So basically I started with my wife, and I will be working on making things up to her for the rest of my life. I treated her so bad for so long, and she never even knew it. Man I have a life-story, I just need a year or so to get it all on paper. But because I was being sorry to her, I was also being wrong to another person, who is important to me. A good friend of mine from junior high and high school. Anyway, tonight I wrote that person and tried to spill it to her and let her know that I want to be honest and up front with her and be the friend to her that she has been to me.

You people have to think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy. Look at me. I'm a total mess. The thing is, for the first time in my life, I'm a mess that is in really good shape. My life used to be a really dark place. I had some thoughts in my head then that would make me look like a perfectly sane person today. Working these things out in my life has given me the faith, the power to pursue things that I would have never been able to do before. I wouldn't have even had the mind-power to come up with some of the ideas I have brewing in my head.

But to be where I am today, I have to be able to understand what I have gone through, and know that it happened for a reason. This is a little tough for me, because I have remorse now for some of the things I did, and at the same time, I know that those things happened for the good of me, and all the people I might touch one day. All the terrible things I've done, and the person I was, was just a process that has taken me to where I am today. Had all of those things not happened in my life, I would not be heading in the right direction.

I came up with the phrase "Watering the Seed" a few weekends ago to describe what I did with my simple task that I needed to follow (see "Rich Man,Poor Man" blog). And that phrase just keeps coming up in my life. If you think about it, everything in our life has the chance to be a seed, that can grow into something we can't even imagine. People you meet, ideas you have, songs you hear, pictures, nature, work, everything. Everything we do is for a reason, and there is a seed to be watered in everything. You have to take each day as an opportunity. It sounds really cliche to say something like this, but you never know when you might change the world.

So where do all these things tie in? My friend, my wife, "Watering the Seed", and my list of things to correct. Well I'm not sure where they all tie together.

"Watering the Seed" and my friend. I know that I need to water the seed of my friend. She has a lot to offer and I think that something extra might be touching her life right now. I might be crazy, but I have a feeling that she is being called in a direction, she just needs to water that seed. So I will be talking to her more, and trying to get more out of her. I think that no matter what you are giving, there is a little more that you could give. Even myself, well definitely myself, we just usually need someone to push it out of us. But I will be praying for her, and hoping that something great comes from this.

My wife, well, I'm still working on her. She knows where my heart is now and we have a level of trust that has been restored. I'm not worried about her. We know each other better now than at any time in our lives, and we have been together for a long time. I know that I have to work constantly though and never falter, because that bad person I was, is always wanting to have a reunion.

My list. It's not a real list that I have on a piece of paper or anything. Sometimes things just come to me. I will be doing the most basic things in life and something will hit me and I will be like, "hey, I need to call that dude up and tell him sorry for this, or that". It's weird, and complicated, and totally refreshing all at once. So if you think that you're on my list, you might be. That doesn't mean I am going to call you up tomorrow and say "I'm sorry" or anything. But I do hope that I get to you.

I will leave you guys with this quote. I read it today and it basically sums up exactly how I feel about life and my philosophy on living it. Let me know what you think.

"You can look back at the pictures of your life and nothing ever changes or you can get up and cross the street and nothing will ever be the same again" - Adam Duritz